Dear HR Manager,
My resume is blank for the past six years as I have been in an unpaid role which consisted of becoming stronger, wiser and infinitely more resilient than anyone you have ever met.
Duties in my previous role included becoming a portal of life between the cosmos and Earth, stewarding the generation who will awaken this planet and healing my lineage in both directions, all of which I accomplish regularly with ease.
I am an excellent candidate due my vast experience in self fucking belief, black belt in boundaries, smiling through my tears and intentionally curated sovereign energy.
I am an expert in pulling up my big girl pants, not letting different foods touch on the plate, owning my sh*t and I specialise in paying bills by manifesting money out of thin air.
I have a masters in being underestimated, under appreciated and undervalued and am adept at maintaining professionalism while being physically or verbally attacked.
I can competently cook 15 different nutritionally balanced meals daily while managing not to eat anything myself and regularly work a 12 hour day without stopping to take a break, a breath or use the bathroom.
I have experience in fking the system, mitigating public displays of emotional and sensory turmoil, and my attention to detail has saved lives on several occasions.
The explosive outbursts I have resolved in humans with an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex will make your irate customer complaints sound like purring kittens who just need a cuddle.
The amount of time I’ve spent on hold and waitlists has allowed me to study Salesforce, MYOB, quantum physics and advanced hieroglyphics so be assured that I can learn your software in my sleep since that is how I fed and clothed my children for the first few years of their lives.
Pls note; I haven’t included my resume as my level of proficiency cannot be accurately conveyed in written word, only through telepathic channeling which as a non special needs mother you are not fluent in.
The salary on offer is acceptable for a standard human being however taking into consideration my innate gifts and talent it will need to be tripled at a minimum, so speak with your people and if you’re fortunate you will see me on Monday.
A Special Needs Mother.